I was what my husband needed, but now, after walking in on Robbie, I began to doubt that I was what my son needed. He was lonely; he was trying to experience something that was inherently social as an individual and the pathetic reality of that slapped me in the face. The truth that I was letting him down confronted me and threatened to haunt me forever if I did nothing to change my relationship with my son. It had been about ten minutes, but Robbie had yet to come downstairs. There was no sound or movement coming from upstairs. I imagined him sitting on his bed, petrified of what awaited him at the dinner table. I felt responsible for this sad image. I turned off the stove tops and the oven and ascended the stairs. I would confront him, ask him about his needs and why he was masturbating, and exorcize the demons that had already begun to haunt me. When I knocked on his door I heard a faint, "um...come in?" I entered and found him sitting on his bed, staring at the wall. He looked. . there's bears and rattlesnakes in them thar hills and the boss asked me to stop bringing my pistol. Like I said ... sticking close enough to holler if I need it.Today I went south over the hill to the next valley. There's never been gold mining in that one so I meandered up the valley floor.I looked around a lot. Archaeologists suffer from the "grazing cow syndrome." We look at our feet and swing our heads side to side like cows looking for a delightful bit of grass, but we're really looking for evidence of prior occupation in the form of cultural material. It doesn't have to be artifactual debris, it can be the white mans' trash. You might be surprised at the things early settlers throw away, or drop during times of stress. It's junk out of place we look for.I always carry a few stake flags so I can mark locations. Later I'll get the principal investigator (the guy with the Ph.D.) to come look at what I've found and either tell me I'm a dumb shit or I done good.He has a tendency to.
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